Monday, September 3, 2007

Relationships - All Kinds

I just want to start today's article by saying that I am not a relationship expert and probably never will be! I would however, like to share some things I have discovered about the relationship process and one’s association and work regarding this subject.

What do I know so far:

Unless you've been hiding in your home for the last 30 years, you’re in relationship with someone.

Relationships are important for our growth.

We have a love hate relationship with relationships.


That’s all I know so far. It’s not a very impressive list, but a list that can be expanded into a whole book if required! The list contains some great truths and for some, the source of our greatest struggles.

Let’s start with point #1; we are always in relationship with someone. When the word relationship is used many immediately go to the most fundamental use of the word. We immediately think of our husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend. These types of relationships are the most important but not for the reason you may think. Relationships come in many forms; spousal, friends, parent/child, peers, relationship with environment. As long as we are alive we are in relationship. Which brings us to point #2; relationships are important for our growth.

A powerful book, “A Course in Miracles”, states the following about relationships:

“When you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter. As you see him, you will see yourself. As you treat him, you will treat yourself. As you think of him, you think of yourself. Never forget this, for in him you find yourself or lose yourself.”

I reread the above paragraph many times until I truly understood its meaning! When full realization came I was blown away! I came to understand that relationships existed to teach us; it’s a classroom of sorts! As a student, this is what I am currently learning:


In every relationship, in every moment, we teach either love or fear. “To teach is to demonstrate.” As we demonstrate love towards others, we learn that we are lovable and we learn how to love more deeply. As we demonstrate fear or negativity, we learn self-condemnation and we learn to feel more frightened of life. We will always learn what we have chosen to teach.

Very powerful stuff is it not? Yet very true! Look at any of the relationships you may be struggling with right now. Who have you chosen to be within that context? When you are around your significant other, do you choose to be combative, suspicious, hateful, vindictive, dismissive, a victim or do you choose to be loving, trusting, understanding, compassionate, responsible, harmonious and inclusive? You see people only respond to the vibrations in which we give out. If you have been studying such things as the law of attraction and the use of vibration you will know that like attracts like and your environment responds to you based on what you put out. You get to determine how you experience everyone you meet! Next time you go to the bank or the grocery store, consciously choose to put out a positive vibration without even saying a word. See what happens. You could do the same by choosing a deliberate negative thought/vibration. When you become aware that you control your environment and how people respond to you, it becomes a very liberating experience! You also begin to notice why those around you struggle in every thing they do. Try it! Become aware of it!

Point #3 states we have a love/hate relationship with our relationships. Most of us want to enjoy the company of others whether it is our spouse, children, friends or co-workers but don’t really want to do the necessary work to ensure they are harmonious. I myself am currently experiencing this. My husband and I seem to have drifted apart at the moment. I could point a finger at every “wrong” thing he has done and is doing. I could create a laundry list of the all the things he has neglected to do or the dumb things he has said or the way I feel he has mistreated me. I could go on and on and on! It got to the point that each time I looked in his direction I just wanted to physically abuse him! He had somehow managed to hook my awareness of all the negatives. This is especially annoying to me because I am writing articles on personal development and here I am struggling with this one point…how can this be? I had to find a way out of this box in which I currently find myself. The following bits of teaching helped me loosen the grip. I found them in “A Course in Miracles”.

…everyone we meet will either be our crucifier or our saviour, depending on what we choose to be to them.
…forgiveness is the key to inner peace because it is the mental technique by which our thoughts are transformed from fear to love.
…forgiveness is ‘selective remembering’ a conscious decision to focus on love and let the rest go. But the ego is relentless – it is capable of suspiciousness at best and viciousness at worst.
people who make us angry are our most important teachers. They indicate the limits to our capacity for forgiveness. The decision to let go our grievances against other people is the decision to see ourselves as we truly are, because any darkness we let blind us to another’s perfection also blinds us to our own.
…it actually doesn’t matter who ‘did it first’. Whether you’re attacking first or attacking back, you’re an instrument of attack and not of love.

The above points and many others like it helped me change my perspective. I must say at this time there is still work to do on myself, but the healing has begun and I clearly see my part in this.

What part are you playing in the relationships in which you are involved? Are you constantly struggling? If you are, stop and check yourself first before pointing the finger. I want to make clear that the points made here today does not give permission for others to mentally or physically abuse you or to become a doormat for others. What it does point out is to take stock in the messages you are sending out to the world because this is what you are getting back. If you find yourself in an abusive situation, stop seeing yourself as a victim. The attacker will either stop attacking or move away from your life altogether.

I want to end this article with another important quote from ‘ACIM’ which points out the differences of holy and unholy relationships. You can substitute the word ‘holy’ for ‘true’ if it makes more sense for you:

“For an unholy relationship is based on differences, where each one thinks the other has what he has not. They come together, each to complete himself and rob the other. They stay until they think that there is nothing left to steal, and then move on. And so they wander through a world of strangers, unlike themselves, living with their bodies perhaps under a common roof that shelters neither; in the same room and yet a world apart.

A holy relationship starts from a different premise. Each one has looked within and seen no lack. Accepting his completion, he would extend it by joining with another, whole as himself.”






Tomorrow: Build A Bridge and Watch Your Dreams Come True!




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